Resignation Pt. 2



An email to two close friends.

Guys,

I think that all I want right now is to be left alone in peace. That’s the attitude I’m feeling right now. I want to be left alone. I don’t want to strive for anything. I don’t want to want anything. I just want peace.

I don’t want to bring peace to the world. I don’t have anything to offer the world. I asked Life and circumstance to make me useful, and I received a silent “no thanks.” Maybe I should have put more effort into making myself more valuable. But whatever. What do I have to offer? If Life (or “the human species” or the Gaia-like total sum of all living organisms or the-universe-as-God’s-mind) needs something, then it is more capable of doing what needs to be done.

I thought I might live a meaningful life through exercising my Will to Power. But I’m not sure how to Will myself to Power. Power flows through metal wires, and it flows through social webs. The best I could do is aim to be a good conductor, gold in character, lest I get burned when power capriciously decides to flow my way.

So now what?

Now maybe instead of striving, I’m going to chill out. I feel like I’ve been in a night sea swimming towards a moving star, not a lighthouse. There is nowhere I need to go. I’m going to live and then die. I would like to spend my time alive in peace.

Instead of striving for greatness, I would just like to intelligently avoid suffering: avoiding impulsive decisions, taking care of my body, eating well, not drinking too much, sleeping enough, not pining after woman. 

Women. I’m tired of chasing after women. I’m tired of that void that opens up in my gut every time I see a beautiful woman passing by. I would almost rather not have to bother with sex; wanting and pursuing sex cost me more suffering and frustration than it did me any good.

Whatever I was trying to do prior to this—I give up. Whatever I was straining and striving for clearly wasn’t paying off. Whatever it was I was doing, I’m now done with. I have nothing to prove. I have no White Whale to chase after, no rug to recover.

I just want peace. Ataraxia.

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